I am 98% positive it's not a mental pathology. I am about 80% positive it's just me feeling bad about not having actual companionship in more than a year. When I used to make my nightly phone calls to my girlfriend (it's been with the last 3), it was something I really did treasure for what it was. It's kind of like, putting chaotic emotions into a scheduled release period for one on one discussion. Of course, there was a lot more to talk about like courting, kissing, complaining and awesome sexy thoughts that have been quelled in the name of whatever holy man says it's wrong.
Which reminds me of something odd that happened to me the other day. Because I'm going to room with a few guys who haven't met me, my angst magnet drew a new deplorable act my way. Someone... who shall remain nameless but can be described as one of my old fraternity brother's hags... told my roomates not to room with me because I have lots of sex, drink and party. Then I got an e-mail from a numbered address, inside was about 100 or so bible verses and sermons about why having sex is a horrible sin.
For about 75 of the verses, they were listed like this: "wicked is those who steal from the poor, murder, idolize, and fornicators."
My philosophy is based more on reason/logic and life-conscious experience. I believe that two people, regardless of ideals or lifestyle, have an animal instinct. These instincts are primeval: Possession, Hunger, Thirst, Comfort, Pleasure, Procreation, and Companionship. Attraction starts physically, as deep as all of us want to be, it matters. If it isn't there right away, it'll build because of interest, emotional want, and desire for closeness. How many people do you know that you would just love to hold close and fall asleep together? I bet more than one.
Sex is a huge part of a healthy relationship. Sure it's not necessary right from the beginning, but having that closeness, intimacy and moment between you is something that truly makes or breaks your potential for long term. Here's the thing that I have against waiting until marriage. What happens if you date for years, follow all 100 obscure bible verses, get married, and both of you are COMPLETELY incompatable in bed? You're stuck with it! True, you do get better as you gain experience, but that doesn't matter if one of you is incompatable.
Itt is a realization that you need to find your physical match too. There's no such thing as a slut, or as a whore, or as a loose girl, or a person who sleeps around. The only people who talk about those who sleep around are those who aren't sleeping with anyone! Think about who you know, and think about what they say about others. Those who are in really great relationships... does anyone talk about how healthy their sex life is? Never! Because they're allowed to have all the sex they want, but if you've just met someone, or haven't known them for months, you aren't allowed to have a sex life. Going too fast and you're a ho, going too slow and you're taking too long. The best thing to do is listen to your body, ignore your head and follow your heart.
One of the bad things about the stigma of sex is that women have no way out. Men do, so men don't think about it so much. I think that you need to feel out each other, enjoy each other's bodies to the fullest, because there's only so many dinners and movies that you can buy before everything becomes bland and money oriented.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Friday, July 10, 2009
Head Scratching for Nostalgia.
I have one guilty pleasure in the world, and it's canine. I. Absolutely. Love. Head. Scratches.
When I was four, I discovered I was allergic to Suave's strawberry scented shampoo. So unfortunately I had a bad itch and really tiny fingernails. Dad told me not to scratch it and tried the calamine lotion thing, but instead it just gave me a burning and itchy scalp. It would have been the same sensation as if you put bleach in your back, just in the place where your hands can't reach well. Plus, imagine me with snow white blonde hair, coated in pink goop. If you knew me when I was 14, it's about the same as that time, I was just a little smaller.
The only thing that actually sedated me was my mom with her fingernails at just the right length to scratch all the way to the bottom of each root. My body tingled all the way down and I think some chemical released in my brain. At the time I called it feeling "sparkly." Now that my vocabulary has got better and I have had more than one girl scratch my head, I can call it, "the perfect sedative."
So I got this blast from the past not but an hour ago in the pool. You know how your hair flies straight up If you dip your hair in the pool backwards? (okay, since not all guys and girls have short hair, exeunt yourself from this one) I dropped mine back, and due to aging, stress, and dirty thoughts, my hair is a little thinner than usual. I ran my hand thru my hair from front to back and felt each little spike as I reached the back of my neck.
Man's Code: chapter 1: Verse 12: Things aren't as fun if you do them without a friend.
If your mind went straight to the gutter, shame on you, but you are not blamed. It's true however. If I get my head scratched, I fall into a zombie state, completely sedated. It was a fun game for some of my friends in my freshman year. I loved that game. I wanted to go as many posts as possible without making an "I'm Lonely" comment, and so i'll keep half of that going. I'd like someone to do that for me sometime, but I will leave it to the stars.
When I was four, I discovered I was allergic to Suave's strawberry scented shampoo. So unfortunately I had a bad itch and really tiny fingernails. Dad told me not to scratch it and tried the calamine lotion thing, but instead it just gave me a burning and itchy scalp. It would have been the same sensation as if you put bleach in your back, just in the place where your hands can't reach well. Plus, imagine me with snow white blonde hair, coated in pink goop. If you knew me when I was 14, it's about the same as that time, I was just a little smaller.
The only thing that actually sedated me was my mom with her fingernails at just the right length to scratch all the way to the bottom of each root. My body tingled all the way down and I think some chemical released in my brain. At the time I called it feeling "sparkly." Now that my vocabulary has got better and I have had more than one girl scratch my head, I can call it, "the perfect sedative."
So I got this blast from the past not but an hour ago in the pool. You know how your hair flies straight up If you dip your hair in the pool backwards? (okay, since not all guys and girls have short hair, exeunt yourself from this one) I dropped mine back, and due to aging, stress, and dirty thoughts, my hair is a little thinner than usual. I ran my hand thru my hair from front to back and felt each little spike as I reached the back of my neck.
Man's Code: chapter 1: Verse 12: Things aren't as fun if you do them without a friend.
If your mind went straight to the gutter, shame on you, but you are not blamed. It's true however. If I get my head scratched, I fall into a zombie state, completely sedated. It was a fun game for some of my friends in my freshman year. I loved that game. I wanted to go as many posts as possible without making an "I'm Lonely" comment, and so i'll keep half of that going. I'd like someone to do that for me sometime, but I will leave it to the stars.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
The list, according to Life. (annotated accordingly)
Because NCIS is one of the most brilliantly written and directed shows in crime drama history, I have came up with a few life rules of my own.
Gearhart's Rules:
1. If it feels wrong from the belt up, don't do it.
2. If it sounds wrong, ask three questions.
3. If it hurts, it works.
4. For every hour of work, relax 1/2 hour.
5. Wait for others to do unto you, then do it back.
6. Anything done alone can be done cheaper with more people.
7. Look, think, plan, reason, react.
8. If it looks wrong, you're not doing it right.
9. Never go anywhere without your knife (straight from Gibbs' rule)
10. Nothing you do will be the same twice.
11. Smart words and right hooks end negotiations.
12. Always know where you were.
13. Sportsmanship wears more padding.
14. Try less, struggle more. (Direct Warner Crocker quote)
15. Don't tolerate stupid.
16. Women and men persuade forwards, never backwards.
17. Check twice, do once. (adapted Til and Ricky quote from "measure twice, cut once")
18. Everything must make sense.
19. Nothing is coincidence (Another Gibbs' rule)
20. Look them in the eye, let them draw a lie up.
21. the world's only common denominator is "the great flood."
Gearhart's Rules:
1. If it feels wrong from the belt up, don't do it.
2. If it sounds wrong, ask three questions.
3. If it hurts, it works.
4. For every hour of work, relax 1/2 hour.
5. Wait for others to do unto you, then do it back.
6. Anything done alone can be done cheaper with more people.
7. Look, think, plan, reason, react.
8. If it looks wrong, you're not doing it right.
9. Never go anywhere without your knife (straight from Gibbs' rule)
10. Nothing you do will be the same twice.
11. Smart words and right hooks end negotiations.
12. Always know where you were.
13. Sportsmanship wears more padding.
14. Try less, struggle more. (Direct Warner Crocker quote)
15. Don't tolerate stupid.
16. Women and men persuade forwards, never backwards.
17. Check twice, do once. (adapted Til and Ricky quote from "measure twice, cut once")
18. Everything must make sense.
19. Nothing is coincidence (Another Gibbs' rule)
20. Look them in the eye, let them draw a lie up.
21. the world's only common denominator is "the great flood."
Friday, May 15, 2009
I have a burning, and the only cure is more tylenol and solarcaine
Tylenol and Solarcaine make the pain of having sunburn go away. It's a wonderful combination. My new job working as a day laborer for O.V. Smith & Sons in Elkview is going exactly how I expected it to be going. I'm put on a jobsite that is static and never changes for me. I'm given classic ditch-digger tasks... like use a square tip shovel to level off 500 square feet of muddy rock or put on heavy muck boots and get wet cement poured on your feet while you use a flat metal rake to spread it out. Honestly, It's not a bad job, with one problem, it ain't safe.
We use HVAC equipment every day, well... they do, i don't. They don't even let me touch the Bobcat yet. I've used the Vibrating roller, which is like a steam roller, only waaaaaay smaller and operated by one person. Plus the Plate Tapper, which is the same thing, but just a shaped plate that vibrates forward instead of rolls. Here's the critical issue with the job that I am facing and am the most afraid about: It is dangerous and I am not trained.
The HVAC equipment comes within inches of my body... not feet, not yards... inches. I cannot tell you how many times i've been clipped by the wheels of these things before they even notice me slightly. If i don't run out of the way sometimes, I'd be killed quick and gruesome. I've been hit in the head with a shovel twice (on accident...), I've been nearly run over more times than i can remember, I've been knocked down quite a few times from our equipment, and it's just not safe for a newbie like me. Plus these guys are crazy hardcore about their jobs. One guy, He's one year younger than me but twice the muscles, gets really sick today. It's 87 degrees, 2:00 pm and we've been working since 7:00 am. He's gotta sit, he's vomiting, he's sweating bullets, he's drooling and he doesn't even know it. The guy almost fell over about 5 times. So the underbosses come up and ask him if he can keep working. He says, "I dunno, i feel like shit." So they tell him not to be such a pussy and keep working.
I am not cool with this, and I talked to my immediate supervisor and the dispatcher who is the 2nd in command about it. They both said the same thing. "This job ain't easy, It's hard labor, you can't take it, you better quit now."
Those are my concerns with my current job. I am nervous... I am apprehensive to continue based on those points. However, there is a good light to all of this. Because i'm working outside for so long, and it's constant physical labor, my muscles are hella defined and i'm working up a pretty good tan. Maybe if I stick with this I can get big enough to do composites shirtless and not have to worry about my scars.
We use HVAC equipment every day, well... they do, i don't. They don't even let me touch the Bobcat yet. I've used the Vibrating roller, which is like a steam roller, only waaaaaay smaller and operated by one person. Plus the Plate Tapper, which is the same thing, but just a shaped plate that vibrates forward instead of rolls. Here's the critical issue with the job that I am facing and am the most afraid about: It is dangerous and I am not trained.
The HVAC equipment comes within inches of my body... not feet, not yards... inches. I cannot tell you how many times i've been clipped by the wheels of these things before they even notice me slightly. If i don't run out of the way sometimes, I'd be killed quick and gruesome. I've been hit in the head with a shovel twice (on accident...), I've been nearly run over more times than i can remember, I've been knocked down quite a few times from our equipment, and it's just not safe for a newbie like me. Plus these guys are crazy hardcore about their jobs. One guy, He's one year younger than me but twice the muscles, gets really sick today. It's 87 degrees, 2:00 pm and we've been working since 7:00 am. He's gotta sit, he's vomiting, he's sweating bullets, he's drooling and he doesn't even know it. The guy almost fell over about 5 times. So the underbosses come up and ask him if he can keep working. He says, "I dunno, i feel like shit." So they tell him not to be such a pussy and keep working.
I am not cool with this, and I talked to my immediate supervisor and the dispatcher who is the 2nd in command about it. They both said the same thing. "This job ain't easy, It's hard labor, you can't take it, you better quit now."
Those are my concerns with my current job. I am nervous... I am apprehensive to continue based on those points. However, there is a good light to all of this. Because i'm working outside for so long, and it's constant physical labor, my muscles are hella defined and i'm working up a pretty good tan. Maybe if I stick with this I can get big enough to do composites shirtless and not have to worry about my scars.
Friday, May 8, 2009
Give me art, but at half price and twice the quality please. To go.
My modeling thing is finished. I got the chance to see a few cool pics from billy's shots. They look like they'd make some seriously kick ass headshots. Nothing like Sun King's, but then again, it's the best I could probably get from this south of NY. It's been a fun time staying home for the most part... I don't know how but it seems that 11 months of stress and fatigue finally caught up with me. My muscles, every inch of my body right now hurts like hell. Its that after workout burn that you get, and damn it's strong. My back went out again yesterday, and lemme tell you, i'm getting sick of these bi-annual back spasms. It's a killer.
I do have to say that i'm eating very well. My nana is calling every day to check up on me and get updates on life in general. Plus she's a gourmand, so i get some amazing recipes from her. I had no idea that you can take such nasty ingredients, fry em, boil em, mash em, and mix in something from a box and you get yourself something that looks french, smells greek, and tastes professional.
I am in a slump... Here's the story hillariously spoken by my good friend Kevin: "Dude, you're in a manly meltdown. You had your balls in a vice of un-healthy chick values that the moment that they rebuilt after they got shattered by heartbreak, you forgot the biggest part of getting your mandom back. That's "lose the prince charming crap and get me to a slip and slide of fun called bachelorhood!" After that, you'd better remember one thing man, Youth is to be enjoyed, not planned out and given a time limit! So quit bein a chick and go get some one-nighter's number!"
Kevin is the kind of friend every man should have, but never look up to. In a tactfully translated version... he's right. After i broke up with Bri where did i have to recover? Among a tight-knit group of 30+'s who had already been married with no single women under the age of 40 around for a good 15 miles in all directions. I had been 'Adam the boyfriend' for so long that i started living up to someone else's standards and completely lost who I was. It didn't hit me until my birthday party that I am incredibly shy around women... I can't remember if i was that way before or not.
My solution is this, i'm going to go out sometime this week. I'm going to a bar, i'm going to have a blast, and in the process, i'm gonna meet as many people as i can. What else can I do? That's the only thing I can think of... and hey, if things dont pan out... the bars aren't that small, i'll cruise around and meet someone else. Although having a wingman wouldn't be half bad! If only a guy like Kevin were around for that...
I do have to say that i'm eating very well. My nana is calling every day to check up on me and get updates on life in general. Plus she's a gourmand, so i get some amazing recipes from her. I had no idea that you can take such nasty ingredients, fry em, boil em, mash em, and mix in something from a box and you get yourself something that looks french, smells greek, and tastes professional.
I am in a slump... Here's the story hillariously spoken by my good friend Kevin: "Dude, you're in a manly meltdown. You had your balls in a vice of un-healthy chick values that the moment that they rebuilt after they got shattered by heartbreak, you forgot the biggest part of getting your mandom back. That's "lose the prince charming crap and get me to a slip and slide of fun called bachelorhood!" After that, you'd better remember one thing man, Youth is to be enjoyed, not planned out and given a time limit! So quit bein a chick and go get some one-nighter's number!"
Kevin is the kind of friend every man should have, but never look up to. In a tactfully translated version... he's right. After i broke up with Bri where did i have to recover? Among a tight-knit group of 30+'s who had already been married with no single women under the age of 40 around for a good 15 miles in all directions. I had been 'Adam the boyfriend' for so long that i started living up to someone else's standards and completely lost who I was. It didn't hit me until my birthday party that I am incredibly shy around women... I can't remember if i was that way before or not.
My solution is this, i'm going to go out sometime this week. I'm going to a bar, i'm going to have a blast, and in the process, i'm gonna meet as many people as i can. What else can I do? That's the only thing I can think of... and hey, if things dont pan out... the bars aren't that small, i'll cruise around and meet someone else. Although having a wingman wouldn't be half bad! If only a guy like Kevin were around for that...
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Think of it as a "learning" enema.
Okay, i get the fact that i have to write an entire internship's worth of journal entries, but to tell you the truth, i'd rather have a big pina colada waiting for me 2 inches from the computer and the remote control for the next week.
I wish i could stay lazy, damn it'd be great.
Work is coming in quickly. I am going to model for a friend of mine's photography course, and i'm gonna meet up with a woman i met in the hampton inn. Just a random lighting designer i caught because i saw the ETC jacket she was wearing.
I am a little upset about the bullshit that i've been getting from my college... I can't do unnecessary farce with the budget they were giving me. Not only that but they were saying that I wouldn't be able to do it on the mainstage, and would instead have to do it in a studio space... which anyone who has seen the show can attest that it's IMPOSSIBLE to do there.
I understand that the college has to prioritize... but they're prioritizing very oddly. I don't understand it myself, which may mean i'm just that less mature, but what i see is safe choices for bold theatre. And that sounds like it's gonna suck. Morgan and I are going to meet up to see if there's something he and I can wrack up for the seminar project this time around. I would love to start something up from the birthed stages again. I hope this is a blessing in disguise, i'm still gonna fight like hell for the mainstage.
wish me luck!
I wish i could stay lazy, damn it'd be great.
Work is coming in quickly. I am going to model for a friend of mine's photography course, and i'm gonna meet up with a woman i met in the hampton inn. Just a random lighting designer i caught because i saw the ETC jacket she was wearing.
I am a little upset about the bullshit that i've been getting from my college... I can't do unnecessary farce with the budget they were giving me. Not only that but they were saying that I wouldn't be able to do it on the mainstage, and would instead have to do it in a studio space... which anyone who has seen the show can attest that it's IMPOSSIBLE to do there.
I understand that the college has to prioritize... but they're prioritizing very oddly. I don't understand it myself, which may mean i'm just that less mature, but what i see is safe choices for bold theatre. And that sounds like it's gonna suck. Morgan and I are going to meet up to see if there's something he and I can wrack up for the seminar project this time around. I would love to start something up from the birthed stages again. I hope this is a blessing in disguise, i'm still gonna fight like hell for the mainstage.
wish me luck!
Monday, April 27, 2009
Coming home to a smouldering burn.
I returned home last night around 1:00 in the morning. I gave my mother a hug, and i could not stay awake a minute longer. I made sure to bring in my wallet, fiddle and laptop into the house, I still have the rest of my stuff still in my blazer.
I slept fairly well, it's the first time in ages that I had a bed that could support my weight evenly. It's nice.
I knew I had to talk to my mother about February. After tearful and stingingly painful expressions of what happened that week, we were finally able to build a foundation to becoming a family again. I am not ready to forgive her for doing what she did to herself. Period. It is impossible to explain what kind of emotions swilled in my head for the last 3 months, but all I can say is that this is something that no one can ever imagine going through.
I am looking forward to getting back into the 9 to 5 work world back in good ol' chucktown. First however... i'm going to sleep for a good month. Sweet dreams!
I slept fairly well, it's the first time in ages that I had a bed that could support my weight evenly. It's nice.
I knew I had to talk to my mother about February. After tearful and stingingly painful expressions of what happened that week, we were finally able to build a foundation to becoming a family again. I am not ready to forgive her for doing what she did to herself. Period. It is impossible to explain what kind of emotions swilled in my head for the last 3 months, but all I can say is that this is something that no one can ever imagine going through.
I am looking forward to getting back into the 9 to 5 work world back in good ol' chucktown. First however... i'm going to sleep for a good month. Sweet dreams!
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