Think of it as a "learning" enema.

Okay, i get the fact that i have to write an entire internship's worth of journal entries, but to tell you the truth, i'd rather have a big pina colada waiting for me 2 inches from the computer and the remote control for the next week.

I wish i could stay lazy, damn it'd be great.

Work is coming in quickly. I am going to model for a friend of mine's photography course, and i'm gonna meet up with a woman i met in the hampton inn. Just a random lighting designer i caught because i saw the ETC jacket she was wearing.

I am a little upset about the bullshit that i've been getting from my college... I can't do unnecessary farce with the budget they were giving me. Not only that but they were saying that I wouldn't be able to do it on the mainstage, and would instead have to do it in a studio space... which anyone who has seen the show can attest that it's IMPOSSIBLE to do there.

I understand that the college has to prioritize... but they're prioritizing very oddly. I don't understand it myself, which may mean i'm just that less mature, but what i see is safe choices for bold theatre. And that sounds like it's gonna suck. Morgan and I are going to meet up to see if there's something he and I can wrack up for the seminar project this time around. I would love to start something up from the birthed stages again. I hope this is a blessing in disguise, i'm still gonna fight like hell for the mainstage.

wish me luck!

Coming home to a smouldering burn.

I returned home last night around 1:00 in the morning. I gave my mother a hug, and i could not stay awake a minute longer. I made sure to bring in my wallet, fiddle and laptop into the house, I still have the rest of my stuff still in my blazer.

I slept fairly well, it's the first time in ages that I had a bed that could support my weight evenly. It's nice.

I knew I had to talk to my mother about February. After tearful and stingingly painful expressions of what happened that week, we were finally able to build a foundation to becoming a family again. I am not ready to forgive her for doing what she did to herself. Period. It is impossible to explain what kind of emotions swilled in my head for the last 3 months, but all I can say is that this is something that no one can ever imagine going through.

I am looking forward to getting back into the 9 to 5 work world back in good ol' chucktown. First however... i'm going to sleep for a good month. Sweet dreams!

Leaving, but not for good

In about 10 hours, I leave Middletown VA for a good long time. What a trip it's been. I think i could probably write about every experience one by one for years and years. I will never forget the people here, I will never forget the experience. I will forget the drama that I myself inflated and stressed over. I really don't think of myself as a Type A anymore. Larry Reed would be proud.

Clay and his boss from the inn have came by with two big trailers, we have entertainment and food. I have the booze for at least 6 people, and I won't have a drop tonight, simply because there's 300 miles to drive and it's all gonna be in the dark.

I feel really completed today, not sad i'm leaving, but completed that I finished the way I did. I will miss everyone in my own special idiom (meaning some i'll miss more and some i'll miss much less) but I really will miss having the dynamic of the 2008-2009 Wayside crew.

I'm hella hungry, so it's time i headed out and got me some of that wonderful food I smell.

It Takes all Kinds: Morality and Understanding More of Morality

When I was younger, I used to idolize storybook characters, video game heroes and Saturday morning cartoons. I idolized them specifically because they held the same kind of moral fiber that I really wanted to have too. All that, "Good will prevail over evil. Everyone gets what they deserve. People are innately good." I wanted to live by these cliche's but the problem is that I have never met someone who fit my "perfect image."

Then again, I could be looking too hard and need to relax my mind a little. I am too cynical for my age. It could be due to the fact that I am not phased anymore about the rampant multiple killings or people who call others some kind of character flaw moniker. I was used to that as a kid with things like Columbine and my own high school life.

My moral pathway dilemma stems from something a little harder to talk about. I am running very low on role models and people I know will be behind me when things get rough. Right now, I could probably only count one or two (most would say that's plenty, but I hold to the fact that no one's perfect). In my experience, Looking up to someone is my way of putting some fuel on the fire under my ass. Having someone back you up will make sure your ass isn't burned by something stupid you choose to do.

I have been following the stories of some artists to see how they felt they were progressing in life and in their professional careers. One (whom I am embarrassed to mention after recent events) had written about how motivated and 'big-brother' he felt when someone mentioned he was looked up to. I look forward to the day when I can mentor someone, when someone would come to me for help because they thought I was the best person to teach them. That would be my affirmation that I had achieved at least a dozen of the goals I set out for myself way back when the Magic School Bus sounded like a great adventure.

Today is the 2nd to last day I will remain in Virginia with the Wayside theatre. It's been 10 months and 28 days this morning. If I could write down everything I've learned in this internship, I'd write a book, and it would sell maybe... oh who knows... it'd be a good coffee table book. I leave sunday night after Larry's goodbye party. I am sure it will be tearful, but there's no place else I'd rather be this month than in our backyard having one last hurrah with my castmates and newfound friends.

To the beginnings we trudge and those that aren't status updates on facebook.

I came to a realization about two options for my future. Half of you who would find this blog would probably be hopeless romantics anyhow and would choose option one, but it is getting more and more meaningful to me to lean at option two.

Option 1: I can choose to be a bohemian, I can pursue my career as a freelance lighting designer and a professional actor. I can audition in every city, move constantly, have housing provided for me or find a cheap apartment every few months. I can meet new people every day, build bonds that are strong and networks that would span oceans. I could live with hundreds upon thousands of people watching my every move and hanging on my every word, or be hypnotized by whatever painting of light I have on the stage. That's the dream I 've had since I was a kid, since before I knew not even 1/100 of what I know now.

Option 2: I can choose to have my white picket fence. I can fall in love again. I can save up a real bank account, plan vacations, live a quiet life. I can go on adventures as I choose to wherever in the world I want to go. I can get a job as a PR manager or Camera Man. I can have my group of friends who will always be just a phone call and a 10 minute drive away. I will have next door neighbors that will borrow my tools and I'll accidentally cut half of their lawn.

I'm torn dammit... making these decisions by myself is humbling, but being lost is a terrible feeling. It would be so much easier if there was something to work towards or someone to follow or go with me.

It's everything good, and everything bad.